In some of the tribes in Natal, in South Africa, the words used for saying hello, for greeting, are sawu bona, which means "I see you". The other person responds by saying sikkhona "I am here". As a greeting it affirms the real presence of the other, by letting them know that they are seen, and allows them to be fully present. I know that, at a deep level, one of my needs is to be seen and acknowledged. I - like everyone, I suppose - want to have the freedom to reveal my true self, to relax, and not to be worried about the other's response. "Seeing" does not mean cognitive recognition; rather it is rooted in the heart and is the awareness of my deepest self and my deepest needs are felt by another person. I need someone who has the space to see me and who is able to hold what they see.
This process begins when we are babies. The young baby needs to be seen and acknowledged by its parents, and when this does not happen it can cause great distress. We are born with a need for mirroring - for having what is happening in us seen and mirrored back to us. The English Psychologist Winnicott wrote that the parent needs to have enough space - and not be caught up in their own needs - so that this mirroring reflects back to the child an accurate picture of what the child is feeling inside. This allows the child feels that its needs are being taken care of and gives the child enough trust in the safety of the world to want to see more of it. In this way the child can minimize any anxiety about the threat of the world and develop independence in exploring it.
It is only under these conditions that the infant can have an experience that feels real. A large number of such experiences form the basis for a life that has reality in it rather than futility. The individual who has discovered the capacity to be alone is constantly able to rediscover the personal impulse and the personal inpulse is not wasted because the state of being alone is something which always implies.... that someone else is there
The Capacity to be Alone
However, when the child does not feel its needs being seen and reflected back, or that the caregiver is not attuned, it learns to become more cautious in order to protect itself from the inconsistency of the carer. The child can learn then that it is dangerous to let its true self be seen and that it should to keep its needs hidden. The capacity to be alone is not as strongly developed and this can lead in later life to an dependence on external activities, such as work, or to an instability in relationships. There may be links here with the practice of meditation. If it develops the capacity to be alone with ourselves it has the potential to heal some of these early life experiences.
Many babies, however, do have to have a long experience of not getting getting back what they are giving. They look and they do not see themselves...The baby gets settled in to the idea that when he or she looks, what is seen is the mother's face. The mother's face is not then a mirror.
Play and Reality
It would seem from this that real listening, real mirroring, is one of the greatest gifts we can offer to another person. If we can attune to what is really going on inside them, and not let our needs and our internal chatter predominate, then we allow them to be fully themselves and they can grow.
